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A letter to the baby I never met…

Filed in: Personal

I wrote this the night before my last transfer, the one that failed. The last one I had with my eggs. I remember exactly how I was feeling as I wrote it. For the first time…I was hopeful. And even though I know now that unfortunately that embryo was never going to be viable, I’m glad I went through it, because it made me stronger and it led me to this step. These babies… I’m so hopeful that this is how we will start to grow our family. So tonight, on my 3rd time of being the night before a transfer I share with you all the letter I wrote to what in my heart should have been my second baby…

 

To you baby on the night before transfer…

As I sit here in the dark with my phone under the covers (to try not and bother your dad) I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of you. Have you grown since Thursday? Will you continue to grow? Do you know how loved you already are?

My nerves this time around are very different. Last time I was stressed, nervous, and very anxious. I wanted it to work so badly that I made myself sick with worry. This time I feel hopeful, excited, and happy. I spent the day running errands and preparing the house so I could rest with you inside me. All day my nerves have felt more hopeful because this time feels like it will be it. Tonight I caught myself thinking about what it would be like this time next year with you. We’d be prepping for your first Halloween, one of your mama’s favorite holidays. And making plans for family to visit over the winter holidays to see your sweet face. I’d be buying you way too many cute clothes because, well, you will learn your mama enjoys shopping and fashion.

It all feels so close and yet so far away. But for tonight I’m going to hold onto my hopes and my faith. I’m going to pray that you are ready to go back into your mama’s belly in the morning. And once inside and warm you can grow big and strong. You mama already loves you little one. I know your dad does too. But you know what else, you’ve got a big ole family that already loves you too and believe me you are gonna wanna be a part of this crew because they are pretty amazing!

We can’t wait to meet you baby.

Love,

Your mama <3

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